Preparing the Dad-to-Be
In Western culture, moms receive most of the attention during pregnancy. It’s easy for dads to feel left out and insignificant. Yet fathers-to-be have emotional needs, too, and can be involved in parenting right from the start.
Pregnancy is a time of preparation for fathers, as well as mothers and babies. Your baby is preparing for life outside the womb, you are preparing for birth and motherhood and the dad-to-be is preparing for the lifelong relationship of fatherhood. True, Dad’s body isn’t undergoing the remarkable changes that yours is. But, his experiences during pregnancy can be as varied and intense as yours. Dads can take advantage of this time to prepare on every level—emotionally, intellectually, physically and spiritually—for your baby’s upcoming birth.
Share these tips with the father-to-be to maximize his growth during pregnancy.
Consider what fatherhood means to you. Explore your relationship with your own father. Think about happy memories you may have with your father. What was it about these experiences that gave you a positive view of fatherhood? Or, if you have disappointing memories of your father, think about what you would do differently. Who are some dads that you admire? What makes them good fathers in your eyes?
Talk openly with your partner about her pregnancy and both of your hopes for parenthood. How do you see your role as a father? What responsibilities do you expect that she will take on? Each of you has your own unique contribution to make to parenting. Recognize your strengths and discuss how you will share the responsibilities of parenting.
Reach out to other expecting fathers. You can support and learn from one another. Lamaze childbirth education classes give you a chance to meet other new dads. You may even build friendships that last well beyond your child’s birth.
Spend time with fathers you admire and their young children. Talk with them about how they built confidence as new dads. How did they cope with challenges they faced? What worried them as they moved into fatherhood, and how did they handle those concerns? If you haven’t spent much time around babies, take advantage of opportunities to become comfortable around them.
Identify your fears. Common fears dads face include concern about your changing relationship with your partner, fear for the safety of your partner or baby, and financial worries. Think about where each fear comes from and how it manifests itself. Educate yourself and become more knowledgeable about your fears. For example, if you are concerned about your changing role, talking with other fathers who have adapted well may help you identify ways to cope.
Go to prenatal visits. These appointments are not just to check on the baby and the mother. They also provide plenty of education about parenthood and are a great way to connect with your partner, get comfortable with her care provider, and help prepare both of you for labor and birth.
Learn more about pregnancy and birth. Reading a book about healthy pregnancy, such as The Official Lamaze Guide: Giving Birth with Confidence or The Birth Partner, can help you understand what you should expect during pregnancy, birth and after the baby comes, and how best to support your partner. Or, you may enjoy reading a book written just for fathers. Hit the Ground Crawling, by Greg Bishop is a good choice. Taking Lamaze classes with your partner also will help you make informed decisions during pregnancy and birth. Talk over your questions about pregnancy and birth with your partner, and with her care provider, if needed.
ASK AN EXPERT
Question:
I’m in my first trimester with my first baby. I plan to take childbirth classes closer to my due date. But I feel like there is so much to learn about pregnancy—not just the birth. My doctor answers some of my questions during my prenatal appointments, but there isn’t enough time for all of them. Is there a class I can take about pregnancy
Response from Judith Lothian, RN, PhD, LCCE, FACCE, co-author of The Official Lamaze Guide: Giving Birth with Confidence:
In the days when family members lived close to one another, women learned about pregnancy (and birth) from each other. Grandmothers, mothers and sisters shared stories and wisdom about what to expect, and how to stay healthy during pregnancy. In today’s world, we’ve come to rely on care providers and books to keep us knowledgeable and calm. But that usually isn’t enough. There are always questions, and there always is a longing to talk about what is happening during pregnancy.
We need to share our concerns as well as our hopes and dreams. Early pregnancy classes can provide the opportunity for that to happen. It’s a chance to be with other women who are expecting around the same time you are. Good classes provide plenty of time to talk and share with each other as well as the instructor. These classes also give you information that is essential in planning for what comes next—during your pregnancy, in birth and then becoming a mother. The discussions can help you untangle the maze of modern obstetrics and figure out what you want. For instance, your choice of a provider and place of birth will determine to a large extent what your choices are throughout pregnancy and birth. In an early pregnancy class, you would find out that the care provided by obstetricians and midwives is quite different. The foundation of midwives’ practice is a commitment to taking time for your questions and getting to know you. Midwives are more likely to spend additional time with women during prenatal visits.
It can be harder to find early pregnancy classes than it is to find childbirth preparation classes, but finding a good class will be well worth the effort. Contact your local Lamaze Certified Childbirth Educator to ask about early pregnancy classes. Or, connect with your local Birth Network to find out about more options in your area.
Taking the opportunity to learn more about pregnancy and birth early through thoughtful discussions with other women, a knowledgeable class instructor or a midwife—not just from reading books or searching Web sites—will make your pregnancy more enjoyable and increase the chances that you will have the kind of birth that you want.
Judith Lothian is a childbirth educator and an associate professor of nursing at Seton Hall University. Judith writes and lectures on issues related to birth, breastfeeding and childbirth education. She is the associate editor of The Journal of Perinatal Education and co-author of The Official Lamaze Guide: Giving Birth with Confidence.
HEALTHY TIP
Straight Talk
Pregnancy, like any other time in life, is not a time for assumptions. Keeping the lines of communication open with your partner can help the two of you understand one another better, resulting in a healthier relationship. Here are some tips for healthy communication:
- Make time to talk regularly. Sit at a table and eat dinner together, take a walk together, share a bagel at the local café. Find daily opportunities to share your thoughts, concerns and feelings with one another.
- If something is bothering you, talk about it. Don’t wait for it to go away.
- Use “I” statements. Try to avoid “you” sentences, which can sound like you are placing blame on your partner. For example, instead of saying, “You never do the dishes,” try saying “I feel overwhelmed by all the dishes—I need help.”
- Listen. When your partner is talking, listen. Ask questions to confirm that you understand what he or she is saying.
TESTIMONIAL
“I read tons of books and magazines and signed up for several weekly pregnancy e-mails when I was pregnant. Since my husband is not much of a book reader, I made sure to give him a summary of the baby’s development each new week. Sometimes I just told him and other times I would actually forward my weekly e-mail. I could tell he was paying attention and was interested because he would ask questions and talk about it with our friends. It really helped me feel like he was more involved with the pregnancy and that I wasn’t the only one who knew what was happening with our unborn baby.”
– Cara
RESOURCES
“We live in an age in which many men sense that fatherhood may be the most mysterious and fulfilling journey a man can make.”
– Richard Louv, FatherLove
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