Bonding with baby

Family Ties

The deep connection you establish with your child starts in the womb.

By Phyllis Klaus, MFT, CSW

As with pregnancy, bonding with baby develops over time. It, too, is a process that, with your care and attention, will deepen and progress with each passing day. Do you remember when you learned you were pregnant? Surely it was a deeply emotional moment. A second before, you were responsible for yourself and a second after you were forever linked to a new being growing inside you. The bond you feel with your baby isn't as instantaneous; it will grow slowly yet steadily over these months of pregnancy until the day you meet your child and begin life as a family.

“Bonding” refers to the feelings of love and empathy that parents develop for their children. During pregnancy, sometimes that love is manifested in the form of dreams and fears about your baby and future as a mother. Positive, loving dreams can help you connect with your little one, but fearful ones can diminish your confidence about your baby's health or your own capabilities. Let your health-care provider worry about your baby's health. Then give yourself space to deal with your other fears in a way that works for you. Write in a journal or draw pictures of what's going through your head. Share your concerns with your partner, as well as with your girlfriends, pregnant or not. Expressing your thoughts will help you deal with them and accept your child into your life.

Another way to begin bonding with baby is to send him loving messages. During a quite moment, put your hands on your abdomen and send happy thoughts and energy to the baby: how excited you are to meet him, what you plan to do when he arrives, how you can't wait to have him as part of your family. Many women say this activity makes them less anxious and worried about their pregnancy. 

Your partner may be nervous about being a dad because he's unhappy with how he was parented or his own childhood. That's why now is a good time to talk to him about how each of you grew up, both the good and the bad. Discuss what kind of relationship you had with your parents. You don't just have to start a conversation out of the blue; wait until a situation presents itself. Your friends might tell you they don't have a set bedtime for their toddler, or you may see a couple in the supermarket letting their child select a sugary cereal. Use these incidents as starting points for conversations; discuss how your parents handled such issues and what you would do with your own child. By talking about your upbringing, you can establish a unified front on how you will raise your kids and address any fears that your partner may have about being a parent.

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